The Worst

Down pillows are the worst. I understand that they were a necessity back in the day, but the thought of plucking a duck and shoving the feathers into a pillow case, only to lay my head on it later, makes me wonder what on earth people are thinking today. When the quill of a feather jabs me in the cheekbone or a feather vane wipes across my forehead in the middle of the night, it's not a pleasant moment conducive to sleep. I envision gouging my eye out with a slight move of my head. In my groggy sleep state, the feather brushing against my face makes me paranoid and thinks that there's a spider nestling into my face.

Give me that synthetic, polyester-filled pillow, the highly flammable one that will set my head on fire if I accidentally drop a cigarette onto it...in the event that I pick up smoking. Or the memory foam pillow that contours to my face and neck, that doesn't quite adapt quickly enough to me as a I roll over in bed. But no feathers, for the love of God.

Color Tips

A woman I work with can recall the name of any nail polish color she has seen. If she looks at your nails and you tell her the brand of nail polish, she will accurately name the color. Wicked. Cotton Lollipop. The Sky's the Limit. Hot Hand. Electric Lush. No matter how lengthy or absurd the name, she gets it right every single time. It's the most amazing combination of memory and site recognition that I've ever seen. She's a parlor trick with a glossy enamel finish. She says that she can only do this with nail polish because she's obsessed with the bizarre names that companies give their polish color. However, I imagine her having a secret career as a card counter or an art thief, memorizing floor plans and security laser beams, then stealthily sneaking along art galleries late at night to steal the most lucrative paintings. That, by allowing us in on her nail color naming abilities, she's coyly tipping us off to her being one of the greatest minds in thievery. I bet she wears black nail polish when she makes these heists, something ridiculously named, like... Luscious Licorice Loot. Or Mayhem at Midnight.