Creepy Celebrity Statement of the Day

"I think every little girl dreams about (her wedding)," Katie Holmes told Seventeen in October. "I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise."

Holmes, 26, [Dawson's Creek, Pieces of April, The Gift (where you see her naked)] has been dating Tom Cruise, 42, for a couple weeks now. Tom Cruise, from Mimi Rogers to Nicole Kidman to Penelope Cruz to Katie Homes. Thumbs up on that one, Tom. There was a picture of them kissing that was just too creepy to post here. And Katie Holmes: from Chris Klein (convicted of drunk-driving) to Tom Cruise.

Gwen, I dedicate this pointless celebrity gossip blog to you.

Aida

Aida was fabulous. Allison is fabulous. The man who played Radames was fabulous. Fabulously hot. Allison and I decided that if we had his body, we would walk around all day with no shirt on. In any scenario.

Books Bought

Even though I swore I was cutting myself off from buying books (since I have a stack of like 20 I took from my parents' house the last time I was in C'ville and The Plaza Public Library is now open), I made the journey to Barnes & Noble last night "just to look". Well, and smell the books. Which sounds creepy. OK, to see if I could find any hot single guys who were spending their Friday night at a bookstore. (Which there weren't.)

So I broke my new rule and bought The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams and Daisy Miller and Washington Square by Henry James.

I think books are like crack to me. When I was younger, I used to think of money in terms of books. With $50, I could buy 10 books (that's back when books were cheaper). I would like to do nothing but sit around in my underwear, reading books, eating licorice, and drinking milk.

exhausting

24 hours of work in 2 days; 16 hours of meetings; 1.5 hr of gut-wrenching assigning rankings to your coworkers; 36 seconds of stifling sobs in the bathroom; 6 e-mails from upper management increasing your workload; 15-minutes sitting in your car waiting for your lunch date that you give up on because you have too much to do; 1 lunch never consumed; 1 round of applause; 1 coworker re-enacting her imitation of you that she already did at a meeting you couldn't attend because you were stuck in another mind-numbing meeting; 6 inquiries as to whether you're applying for team lead; 18 thoughts of what am I doing

Yippee!

Allison is taking me with her on Thursday to see Aida at the Kansas City Music Hall!

Morons!

After work I stopped to fill my car up with gas. ($2.07/gal)

As I was standing there, watching the numbers flip by, I started reading the warnings and stickers slapped on the side of the gas pump. Most of you have probably noticed that gas pumps now carry a picture of a cell phone with a bright red circle with a line through it. No cell phone use. And it always comes accompanied with a warning of how you can potentially blow yourself up--the pumps, your car, my car, me, the guy with a beer belly and a mullett, the gas station--by using your cell phone while gasing up.

It never fails that some moron is talking on a cell phone next to the gas pump. I am going to be really pissed if some giggly teenage girl wearing lowrise jeans blows me up.

Maturity Galore

Let's take a look of people doing more grown-up things than I am.

Getting married this summer:

May 14: Garry in Phoenix, Arizona
June 4: Crissy in Sioux City, Iowa
July 5: John in Waverly, Iowa
July 11: Tom's cousin in Sioux City, Iowa
August 27: Cassidy in Iowa City, Iowa
September 3: Kate in Dubuque, Iowa

Number of high school friends pregnant:

Carissa (baby #2?)
Marci (baby #2)
Brandi (illegitimate baby #1)

Friends buying/owning houses:
Brett and Allison
Paula and Cory
Leah
Baikie
Jacob and Sara
Marci and David
Patti

Books Read

The Song of Names by Norman Lebrecht

Winner of the Whitbread First Novel Award

Jason Bateman is Hot

To prevent myself from watching infomercials when my insomnia kicks in, I have starting watching Season 1 of Arrested Development on DVD. The show has a quirky sense of humor that I love. Despite winning Emmies, Golden Globes, Writers Guild Award, etc., Fox is threatening to cancel the show because of low ratings. Fox seems to do this often, cancel a quality show before it has a chance to find a fan-base. For example, Wonderfalls was awesome yet got canceled after like four shows. What can you say: it had a crappy timeslot, on Friday nights at like 8 p.m. What losers are at home watching TV then (other than me)? Instead, Fox leaves viewers with crap TV like The Swan and Who's Your Daddy? Good call.

Tornado Season

Thursday reminded me of the main drawback of living in Missouri: tornadoes.

So tornado season has officially begun, with the first tornadoes touching down in Parkville. The first reports came about 5:15 p.m., and the office cleared out as quickly as the sky darkened. Within 45 minutes, the tornado sirens went off as the rain made visibility next to nothing.

Thursday's tornados served as a reminder that:

1. People are dumb. Tornado sirens blaring, heavy rain falling, hail beating down. Hmm, let's see...I think I should hop into my car and drive home. Yep, that seems like a smart idea. So thumb's up to the hundreds of people at my company who did just that.

2. If a natural disaster happens while I am at work, I am screwed. I sit on the top floor (Floor 6) of a brand-new, state-of-the-art building. Every single wall is made of floor-to-ceiling windows. The stairwells are pure glass. So good luck not getting impaled by a shard of glass while taking cover. We've had several false fire alarms. When trying to leave the building, I have still been in the stairwell, around the fourth floor, 15-minutes after the alarm went off. My memorial will be a series of 1s and 0s, binary code spelling out a final tribute.

Happy tornado season!

That's Mademoiselle Interim Team Leader to You

In an effort to get out of management, Judy asked me to act as the Interim Team Leader (ITL) until a permanent team lead can be put into place. Judy is a tough act to follow, so I'm reluctant to step into the role. Not only does she know everything, but she's very conscientious, organized, and willing to step into the middle of It. She's trying to convince me to apply for the permanent team lead position; not because I'm qualified or anything, but because we're afraid we will get stuck with a high-strung manager. Something none of us are prepared to deal with. Or a cheerleader-like team lead. Diane would have to start drinking Scotch and chain-smoking right in her cube to survive.

Speaking of team leads, I rented Series I and II of the original The Office. I need to buy it on DVD. If you missed it on the BBC Channel, you must rent the series. Go now. Leave your computer at this very moment. But don't go to Blockbuster. I'm boycotting Blockbuster, so rent it from Hollywood Videos or somewhere.

Happiness in a Building

I love that spring is here, that the weather is warm enough that I can walk outside wearing jeans and a tanktop.

This past weekend was the grand opening of the Plaza Library Branch. I decided to walk over on Sunday to check it out. It was less than a 10-minute walk!! (I have not lived this close to a library since Iowa City.) To reach the library, I had to cross over the river behind the Plaza; next to the river, below the street, there's the KC river walk on either side that I had never noticed before, with benches. Perfect for reading. I was absolutely giddy when I walked in the front door of the library. Chills, baby, chills. There was maybe 200 people roaming around the inside, and The Scamps (a legendary jazz band) were playing. The librarians were giving out book bags crammed full of goodies, including Russell Stover chocolates, pens, and what I believe was a rape whistle(!). The atmosphere was electric. And I couldn't stop smiling. Oh man, I thought that they were going to kick me out because I couldn't stop giggling and smiling.

Favorite things about the new library: 1) They have self-checkout. (How modern!) 2) The comfy chairs that face a spectacular view of the Plaza. 3) The giant metal cow that has the Plaza painted on it from the Cows on Parade.

A Moment of Education

Lazy Susans - also popularly called turntables - have been in popular use since at least the 1700s. Thomas Jefferson is often credited with the invention of the Lazy Susan. In colonial times, wooden lazy susans would be used for food and condiments, and for writing utensils and inkwells. In those times Lazy Susans were called "dumbwaiters." Today in America, a dumbwaiter has come to mean a freight elevator for transporting food and dishes between levels. Even today in England, however, people still refer to Lazy Susans as dumbwaiters.

The term "Lazy Susan" came into popular usage no earlier than 1917. The origin of the term is sometimes thought to have originated from a notoriously lazy house servant; however this theory is unlikely, as its emergence was well past the time when house servants were common. It is more likely that the term "Lazy Susan" was hit upon simply because of its rhythmic appeal. It has also been speculated that the lazy house servant story was concocted by the same marketers.

Lazy Susans can be put to a surprising variety of uses. Of course, many people use Lazy Susans for condiments. Some other ideas are using Lazy Susans for fondue, and using Lazy Susans for gameboards. A smaller Lazy Susan is also a perfect way to show off your floral arrangements.

Lazy Susans have been rendered in a variety of materials, including ivory, marble, glass, and ceramic. Wooden lazy susans, though, are probably by far the most popular.

from WoodOhio.com

Nancy Grace Sucks Ass

I am in love with news programs. My favorites include Countdown with Keith Olberman (check out the Michael Jackson Puppet Theatre -- classic) and Anderson Cooper 360. And, of course, the satirical Daily Show with John Stewart.

But Nancy Grace pisses me off. What an idiot. How did this woman get her own news show on CNN? She is the female equivalence of Chris Matthews or Bill O'Riley. CNN's Web site describes her show as being a "themed/interview/debate show", but it's more like an hour of her yelling her opinions at the camera. She doesn't so much as interview her guests as attack them, interrupting them and interjecting her opinions in the midst of their comments. I don't know why anyone in their right mind would go on her show as a guest. The poor quality of her show and her narrow-mindedness even spurned Jerry to send an e-mail to CNN after watching a particularly bad interview segment. To make things worse, she even looks like a bitch. Just like Chris Matthews looks like a bitter fat guy, and Bill O'Riley looks like a crotchety old man. It's nice to see that morons can get a public forum to assert their opinions where they're paid big bucks.

18 Pounds of Salmon

Last night I dreamt that I broke up with Tom. As a parting gift, he gave me 18-lbs of salmon, 3-lbs of meatballs, and 1-lb of turkey.

Some Things That Didn't Suck Today

To counter-balance my karma, here were the good things from today:

• Hot Dan sat next to meet in a meeting and offered me a Mento. He was genuinely impressed when I told him about Scott's Mento collection and the Mento hot tub. We then made out while everyone watched.
• The Office was awesome last night, and Kerre, JS, and I entertained ourselves by repeating the lines today. JS decided that she and I will be forming an alliance against Kerre.
• Only two more work days until Diane returns from her sabbatical.
• I made scrumptious potatoes for dinner.
• I am still on steroids.

Some Things That Sucked Today

• No hives, but my achy joints made me feel like someone had taken me out back and beat me with a tire iron. I can't turn my head or bend my knees.
• My arch nemesis is a complete jackass. In a meeting, when asked how we were doing, he said "Well, you know, Megan has been out of the office the past couple of days." He then went on to talk about my hives. The fucker. a) I was working from home, and b) it's rude to bring up someone else's hives when she herself opts not to talk about them when asked how she is doing and you have no idea what you're talking about.
• I am revoking the best boyfriend ever title. I have been sick for the last few days, and not one phone call or stop by to see if I'm okay. The same goes for my brother who finds my hives entertaining.
• Intern boy IM'd me to say he's coming back to intern at my company again this summer. Freaky-deaky.

Books Read

1. Blind Alley by Iris Johansen -- Not nearly as good as some of her other books...how on earth did she come up with that dialog?

2. Big City Eyes by Delia Ephron -- Decent, quick read. More brain candy.

Out Sick

I'm out of the office again today. My hands are still sore, and where ever I touch myself (wahaha!) I itch. When I washed my hair this morning, I scrubbed my head so hard I thought I was going to bleed. To make things worse, I am going to miss dodgeball tonight due to my inability to hold my medication. I can't find a sub, so hopefully my team can win with only five players. It sucks because we're already in tournament time, so if they lose tonight, we're done with dodgeball.

On the bright side, the doctor prescribed me four types of medication yesterday to alleviate my symptoms. One prescription is a steroid pack. Watch out, Arnold Schwarzanagger! Move over, James Earl Jones! My body and voice will soon be rivaling the two of you!

Mr. Hives and Me

I met Mr. Hives for the first time during the summer after my sophomore year of college. I was 19, finishing up two summer classes and working two part-time jobs. Six weeks of summer remained before I had to return to college to start RA training.

Mr. Hives showed up unexpectedly during my Microeconomics final. He pestered me through the essay test and followed me to work at Wal-Mart. Eventually, my manager sent us home. Mr. Hives and I had a five-week long affair. I did everything possible to get rid of him: took cold showers, stayed out of the sun, took steroids and all sorts of medicines, a shot of adrenaline...everything. He knocked me off my feet, left my hands trembling and sore, and made my skin red and welted. His presence made me a wreck.

Eventually he decided that he had done enough damage to me physically and emotially, so he left. He promised that as long as I stayed off the minocycline and tetracyclines, he would leave me alone.

Until today. Mr. Hives came back. The bastard. This time, he is listing bactrim as the drawing power to me. While welts keep breaking out on me, the debilitating arthritic symptoms aren't as bad as they were before. My fingers and hands are sore and I can't turn my neck, but otherwise it's not too bad. I have more good drugs, and I got out of work early (even though I'm having anxiety attacks over my backlog of work). I guess I'm taking a partial sick day since no one wanted Mr. Hives and me in the office.

Damn you, Mr. Hives, damn you.

America's Game in America's Heartland

At least, that's what Vanna White kept saying.

Wheel of Fortune was taping shows this weekend in Kansas City. Because I have the best boyfriend ever (or because of his infatuation with Subway), he hooked us up with free tickets to a taping of two of the shows at Bartle Hall on Friday night. Tom, Baikie, Tim, and I went. It was Mommie and Me week, so they had contestants and their mothers on. The stage was set up fantastically -- 3-D versions of the Plaza (complete with the lights), downtown, fountains. Very cool.

Here are some things I learned about the game show:

• When the audience shouts "Wheel...of...Fortune!" at the beginning of the show, it's taped audio. The real audience didn't shout it.
• The wheel, the TV monitors that show the puzzle, and Pat Sajak are all much smaller in real life than they appear on TV.
• There's a man that sits in front of the wheel. After a contestant guesses the letter, the man uses his fingers to tell Pat Sajak how many letters there are on the board.
• During the last puzzle, when Pat spins the wheel to find out how much each letter is worth, he stops the wheel to determine the amount. They don't show that on TV.
• They film the show with the commercial breaks incorporated into it.
• During the commercial breaks, Vanna steps behind the puzzleboard. I think she does tequila shots.
• They take footage of the contestants clapping and cheering before the show starts, just to make sure that they will have enough footage.
• If technical problems come up, they refilm the scene. For example, even after the show was over and the one mother/daughter team won like $65,000, they brought out all the contestants to reshoot a section of the puzzle. Good luck pretending that you didn't just win $65,000 or that you just didn't lose a chance at winning $65,000. The audience had to sit there for 20 minutes while they tried to reshoot the show. Pat sat in the audience with Vanna on his lap.
• Some contestants are dumb. In the first show, the first puzzle, all three contestants guessed the letter N, pretty much one after the other. Pat Sajak was like "Nope, still no N." In the second show, one of the puzzles was filled in like "The ----e Doesn't F--- F-r From the Tree". This one mother/daughter team guessed the letter K. Needless to say, they didn't win.

The shows we went to will air on May 5th and May 6th. Don't forget to set your VCRs. Maybe you'll see Tom and me mooning the camera.

A Charmed Sark?

I love David Anders (Holt). When they got rid of his character, Mr. Sark, on Alias this year, I was annoyed. First Francie, then Will. Finally, Sark. (I shake my fist at you, Alias people!) Alias just hasn't been the same without its hot bad guy.

So I almost giggled when I saw David Anders on Charmed tonight. (Note: I can freely admit to watching this crap after an article on CNN.com justified my taste in TV.) Oddly enough, his character on Charmed a) is a bad guy and b) has the (fake) English accent. Anyway, this episode also has Billy Zane and Charlie Robinson (Mac from Night Court). Billy Zane, singing. So, does this mean that Billy Zane's career is on the rocks or, because Charmed has been deemed hip, a fun break for him? Anyway. Yay, David Anders!

Public Humilation for Everyone

Wal-Mart is officially trying to take over the world. One stop shopping: get your hair cut, eyes examined, oil changed, buy toothpaste and ice cream, and pick up a man. Who knew a bright red bow could be so humiliating?

As if purposely looking to hook up at Wal-Mart isn't bad enough, scientific evidence is proving that your wage is based on your physical appearance. I doubt anyone is surprised by this, but it is discouraging. I believe this partially qualifies for Brett's boobie theory. Take note: at all future jobs, I will either wear a paperbag or partake in Botox and liposuction.

Practicing Safe Blog

Make sure your pseudonym does not have any holes before you begin to blog.

Happy Sesquicentennial!

Correctionville is turning 150 this summer! A four-day extravaganza has been planned for June. C'ville got technologically savvy a village Web site, complete with a schedule of events. What floats your boat? The Tin Man Race? Commemorative Stamp Cancellation? The Beard Contest? Or what about the Rifle and Knife raffle (is that even legal)?

My plan? Drink a fifth of Jack and then head to the festivities. It's the only way to handle running into all those people I spent seven years avoiding when coming home from breaks.

So pick your favorite of the festivities. We can take a road trip to C'ville. Just you, me, and Jack.

Dodge That

Last night dodgeball was intense. We played against a bunch of fuckers. That's right...I'm calling them fuckers. Talk about poor sports. Here's my theory on this: I'm playing against coworkers. Why would I cheat, argue, or trash talk when a) I've never met you and b) I might have to work with you in the future. Obviously, they don't feel the same way that the team members of Our Balls Hurt do.

We lost, 4-3. Not without heroic efforts. I sustained a broken nail and two bruised hands. (I could barely hold the steering wheel to drive home, and typing at work today was painful.) My fear of being the last player standing happened not once but twice. The first time I failed, the second time I triumphed magnificently, much to the delight of my teammates. High-fives all around.

I hope we run into these fuckers during the tournament. Next time, Our Balls Hurt will be out for blood.

Robots in Disguise!

Happy day! Mark your calendars for November 17, 2006, when the live-action Transformers movie hits the big screen! Hopefully, this live-action version will not fail like some before it. Among the horrendous remakes of cartoons to live-action movies:

• He-Man (Master of the Universe, 1987)
• Scooby-Doo (Scooby-Doo, 2002, and Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, 2004)
• Josie and the Pussycats (2001)
  
  
  

Alias Will Be Back!

Alias has been picked up for a fifth season! If this season continues to suck, combined with the huge suckage of last season, I might be forced to stop watching. Especially since there's no Francie, Will, or Sark, and Wiese alone is not providing enough comic relief.

Take note, Colleen and Anna. I know I have been saying since last year that I am going to stop watching it. I mean it this time...if it doesn't get better.

Dodge This

The first dodgeball game has been played. The first team has been conquered. Let's do a recap:

Team Name: Our Balls Hurt

(Note: Every team name we came up with had some sort of play on "balls". Ball Busters, Blue Balls, House of Balls...we're going to get kicked out of the league for being perverts. Hee hee.)

Number of times I fell out of bounds: 1

Number of times I was hit: 2

Number of people I hit: 11

Number of balls I caught: 0

Number of times I shrieked like a little girl: 1

Number of games we played: 6

Number of games my team won: 5

Number of times I was the last player and led my team to winning: 1

Number of times I was directly responsible for my team losing: 0

Number of times I yelled "Strobbe, watch your balls!": 1

Number of times I yelled "John, give me one of your balls!": 1

Number of times I yelled "Dude, I got some balls for you!": 7

Dodgeball was fun. Kathy and I were talking before the game...we were both petrified and having flash backs to the trauma of playing dodgeball in grade school. This trauma was reinforced when the guys on our team decided to warm up by chucking balls at each others' heads.

I was surprisingly agile on the court. I would like to extend a sincere debt of gratitude to Brett, for all those years while we were growing up when he would randomly throw objects (some soft, some sharp) at my head. It was either duck or be bludgeoned.

We play again tomorrow night at 7:00 p.m. For those of you who have blocked dodgeball from your memory, the league rules are below.

The Rules

1. Games will be played until all participants on one team have been eliminated.
2. Teams will play as many games as possible for 30 minutes. The team who wins the most games during that duration is the winner. If a winner has not been determined by the end of the time limit the team with the most players at the end will win the game. If both teams have the same amount of people they will play sudden death until one person is eliminated.
3. To start the game three dodgeballs will be placed on each side of the center line at the ten-foot spiking line (red line ten feet away from the center line on each side of the court).
4. All team members will start at opposite ends of the court with their feet behind the back red out-of-bounds line.
5. On the whistle, each team will run to their red line to obtain a dodgeball.
6. Teams must then run back to the free-throw line before they can throw a ball.
7. If a player is hit by a fly ball, before it hits the floor and after being thrown by a player on the opposing team that player is out.
8. If a player catches a fly ball, the thrower is out. In Addition: The other team returns an eliminated player to their team. Players come back into the game in the order they were eliminated.
9. A player who is hit in the head (if they did not duck) is not out. The thrower is out. If the player hit in the head did duck, there is no consequence and they are out.
10. A ball deflected by a held ball, whether caught or not, does not result in player elimination. Once a ball is deflected off another ball it becomes dead.
11. A ball rebounding off a catch attempt may be caught before it hits the floor by any in-bound player on the hit player’s team. It may not hit the wall or basketball goal. The result of this catch will be the elimination of the person throwing the ball and entry of another person from the same team. The hit player is out.
12. If a player tries to deflect a thrown ball with a held ball and the held ball is dropped, that player is out.
13. If a player steps over the center line or outside their own playing area they are eliminated. Any body part touching the red line is considered out-of-bounds.
14. If a player catches a ball and then steps out of bounds, the player who stepped out of bounds is out and the player who threw the ball is still in the game. You must possess the ball and stay in bounds to eliminate a player on the opposite team.
    
    
    VARIATION:
    
    1. When there is only one person left on a team, that person can attempt to hit a target at the other end of the court to let everyone on his/her team back into the game.
    
    2. The target will be the square or the rim of the basketball goal on the opposing team’s court.
    
    3. Each team may use this variation once per game.