Fresh Air With a Side of Ash

After getting home from work today, I needed to sit outside. Being cooped up in an office for nine hours, staring at a computer screen and attending meetings while breathing manufactured white noise, made every part of me itch to be in the fresh air. So I came home, poured a glass of wine, and now am sitting outside. Sitting outside in front of a computer. But at least the air is fresh, I can hear the birds talking to each other, and the sounds of neighboring machinery (a lawn mower? a tractor? a generator? a bulldozer? what is it?!!).

Someone is burning something nearby. It smelled amazing when I stepped out of my car and into the air. It also was another compelling reason to sit outside for a while tonight. I love the smell of campfires and wood burning. However, when I got to the back patio, the chairs and patio were covered in grayish ash. Motherfucker. Whatever the neighbors are burning is blowing into our backyard. It periodically floats down, like a light dusting of snow, which then makes me think of the stories from WWII, how survivors described how ash would fall from the sky when the Nazis burned people in the concentration camps. So my overactive imagination is telling me that the neighbors have murdered someone and I'm getting a light dusting of someone's essence lightly landing in my hair and in my wine. I realize it's probably more along the lines of debris from the yard or household garbage or a random collection of broken chairs and brooms, but I still periodically turn my head to the side and make a face, a little gag as I brush the ash from my hair.

But at least I'm sitting outside in the fresh air...

Let's Make a List

I love both the US and British versions of The Office. I've seen episodes from both series multiple times, and I just recently started watching the US version of The Office from Season 1, Episode 1 with my boyfriend because he had never seen a full episode of either series. [Insert shocked face, gasp, and an explicative here.]

Last night we reached Season 5, Episode 20, called Dream Team. This is the episode in which ***Spoiler Alert*** Michael Scott and Pam Beesly have started the Michael Scott Paper Company after quitting Dunder Mifflin. It's their first day of MSPC. At different points in the episode, Michael and Pam experience melt downs as they realize that they have quite their jobs to start a new paper company in an economy where paper companies are being replaced by big franchises like Staples and Office Supply. The answer to calming both down? Making a list of things that need to be done. Seeing the tasks at hand written down and then checking those items completed off bring both Michael and Pam back to focus and calmness.

Like Michael and Pam, I'm a list maker. I started making lists as soon as I could write full words. To Do lists, Grocery lists, What I Need to Pack lists, Places I Want to Visit lists, Goals lists, 2019 Goals lists, Blog Topic lists, Books I Want to Read lists...the list of lists goes on and on. I collect all the items on a sheet of paper, numbering each item (although sometimes I'll use a dash instead). I love the orderliness that that list brings to my life. I prefer lined paper and either a black or blue gel pen to write my lists. When I accomplish an item, the best feeling in the world is taking a black Sharpie and drawing a line through that item. If I'm at work, I'll use my dry erase board and alternate items in different colors; sometimes I'll color code them. But it's always a thick black line that gets drawn through a completed task. I used to keep them scattered about, but my ex-husband would pick them up and read them back to me, mocking the things I placed on my To Do list. He quickly made me become a closeted list maker, and today my lists are contained to one notebook. When I'm done with a list, I tear it out of the notebook and put it through the paper shredder for the ultimate feeling of accomplishment.

The lists help me organize my thoughts. It makes me feel less overwhelmed, regardless of how many items might be on that list. I don't understand the non-listmakers, the individuals who fly by the seat of their pants, no items jotted down, no black Sharpie line to indicate a sense of accomplishment. And I might create that list and procrastinate on starting it but, dammit, at least I have a list. I want to take my love of lists and force them onto others. My boyfriend has been talking about making a list of things he needs to think through, and I'm itching on his behalf to make that list. Just jot it down, I think. Use a yellow legal notepad and a quill ink pen. No numbers for you, just a flow of your thoughts down the length of the paper. Make your list. Make it. Make it now. But I can't impose my desire for him to have his list until he has it. I can't judge him for not making his list. Because sometimes I get sidetracked from a list long enough that I can't remember what the list was intended for, or the items no longer are valid, or I just don't have enough reasons to keep going with the list, and the list just ends up shredded anyway.

Now I need to go make a list...

Happy Birthday, America

This morning I visited the National World War I . Something about visiting a museum honoring the men and women who gave their lives in WWI to protect the spirit of America and the concept of freedom for both American and the individual on the Fourth of July seemed poetic and a prime example of patriotism.

This wasn't my first visit to the museum, but something about leaving the museum filled me with an immense melancholy and, admittedly, guilt. Over 37 million men, women, and children from across the world died during WWI; some civilians, some soldiers. Some gave their lives unknowingly, while others voluntarily signed on knowing that they might not make it through their service and the war. Some soldiers died a mere moments before the armistice was signed between the Allies and Germany at "the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month".

The sheer dedication and patriotism that those Americans felt to enlist in 1917 when the United States entered WWI is remarkable. While we were walking through the museum, my boyfriend asked me if I had ever considered signing up for the army. The closest I came was when I was 17; while applying for universities and writing essays for scholarships, I at some point had the Army on my list. Or maybe it was the Army's recruiters that had me on their list. I spoke to an Army recruiter at length, which ended with me getting a free pair of white tube socks with Army written lengthwise on them and several follow-up calls from their recruiters. In the end, I knew I was not a good fit for the Army: I have no upper-body strength, I hate being yelled at, the thought of killing someone terrifies me, and the late 90s were still not a good time to be female in the military. I found that I could support my country, but only from afar.

So when we stepped outside the museum, it seemed fitting that a gloomy rain had settled over Kansas City. The Fourth of July has never been at the top of my list of favorite holidays, which I have been told time and again by friends and family is un-American. However, it's not because I don't love my country. I am so grateful to live in a place that allows me the freedom to do almost anything that I could possibly imagine (really, the only thing that limits me is public nudity -- I wish it was okay to go outside in just my tank top and underwear, which I guess technically is legal, just not socially acceptable). I can vote, drink, marry who I choose, wear tank tops and short skirts in public, kiss someone I love in public, write this blog. I love the smell of fireworks, but cringe watching people set them off. I'm like a little kid when I have a sparkler on the Fourth of July, but am always slightly afraid that I'm going to light myself on fire. I feel a societal pressure to spend the holiday with friends and family, grilling out and having beers, when sometimes it just isn't possible to get together with everyone -- and sometimes, I just don't want to. I want to enjoy an entire day off from work without any pressure to be social.

I'm grateful for each day I have, but today was a reminder of just how fortunate I am.

Happy Birthday, America. Thank you for all that you have given me.

Rain, Rain, Go Away...For Quite a While. Please.

May 2019 was the wettest month in Kansas City history. Out of 31 days, only 9 days contained no form of precipitation. Even as someone who loves dark, gloomy days and thunderstorms more than anything in life (well, almost more...I still rank a good Old Fashioned or back scratch higher), I'm over the rain.

I could talk about how the rain has caused devastating flooding in the area (and stemming out into the greater Midwest). Every day seems to bring a new river flooding warning. More people that I know have had flooded cars or basements than any other point in the time they've lived in their households. Or that the flooding has prevented farmers from planting -- or just flat out destroyed any crops planted as of today. Or that no one is going to be able to spend time outdoors this summer due to all the mosquitoes that the rain and swampy conditions have brought us.

But I want to talk about the two real travesties.

1. My hair. My curly hair is devastated by the humidity. It's either frizzy and massive, like I brushed my hair with a balloon, stepped into a puddle of water, and then grabbed the end of a live wire. This usually doesn't happen until July, when the Missouri heat and humidity makes me look like a Q-tip that was rubbed so vigorously that the cotton has unfurled from the stick.
   
2. My inability to pull weeds and mulch. After moving into a seventh floor apartment in the middle of downtown KC four years ago, I finally have access to property where I can pull weeds, mulch, and plant flowers. I was given permission to do whatever I want to my boyfriend's flower beds, and I have been looking forward to the day that I can do all the things to it for months. (I'm not saying this is the only reason why I'm dating him, but...well, I really do miss having weeds to pull. I never thought I would say that, but dear sweet God. I need to pull some weeds.) The rain is preventing me from getting wrists deep into some good mulching and planting.

Today was the first day with no rain in what felt like years. But, don't worry: the next six days call for precipitation at some point during each day. My soul is slowly turning gray and melancholy like each of those days. It's a good thing that it's not causing me to be melodramatic.

Whenever I take a day off from work in the middle of the week -- whether to run errands, spend a day with my niece or nephew, volunteer, whatever random reason it might be -- I'm always surprised by the number of people who are out and about as well. Who are all these people, running amuck during the middle of a business day? What sort of lifestyle do that they have that allow them the freedom of being outside of an office on a week day?

Sometimes they're college kids from UMKC, KU Med, or one of the area community colleges, studying or enjoying their free time between classes or part-time jobs. With a twinge of nostalgia, I miss those days of youthful worries. Worrying about studying, writing a paper, taking an exam, collecting quarters to do my laundry, my job as an RA...it all seem so simple compared to the life of adulthood: work, bills, family, adult relationships. 

In conversations reminiscing about our youth, so many people say that they wish they could go back to their high school days. Not me...take me back to college, the days of spending countless hours with my friends in Iowa City where we did random things like binge watch Pride and Prejudice (back before "binge watch" was even a phrase) after dinner; went to the bars on the weekends to drink and dance; stayed up until the late hours of the night debating philosophy and planning our futures; riding the Cambus to part-time jobs. "Stick it to me Tuesday" became not just a cheap way to eat Pokey Sticks dipped in ranch, but a way of life.

However, I wouldn't change my life today. Would I go back to college? Maybe, on some of those stressful days at work where projects and issues seem to be converging all at once. Yet, in some ways, as a divorced, middle-aged woman, I'm reliving my college days...just, you know, with more responsibilities. I still meet my friends for dinner and then debate the meaning of life and where our futures are headed, we still drink on the weekends. It's just now our evenings end earlier, our drinks might be more than the 2-for-1 nonbrand house specials, and dancing requires a full body massage the next day. While we might have to plan a little more in advance to go to a movie or get everyone together, it still happens. No, I wouldn't go back to a previous time, as much as I loved those years and friendships at that time. 

I just need to figure out how to get back to those mid-week days of being out-and-about without being on PTO and still fully employed...

Zzzzzzz...Nope

When I was a kid, I could sleep like no other. My parents said that I fell asleep quickly and in strange locations, that it was not unusual to find me asleep on the stairs or on the toilet, as if I gave up in the middle of whatever activity I was in and let sleep overcome me. Putting me in a moving vehicle immediately equated to me falling asleep. On the flip side, trying to wake me up was like trying to awake a hibernating bear: difficult and dangerous to do. 

To this day, a moving vehicle immediately puts me to sleep, and I'm grumpy and groggy after waking up. Yet when I was a teenager, it all changed. Somewhere along the line, I lost my ability to easily fall asleep and stay asleep. I found myself going through bouts of insomnia, unable to sleep throughout the night. Instead, I found myself lying awake at night. Worse yet were the nights where I was so uncomfortable that I had to get out of bed, feeling so out of control that the only thing that made me feel better was to clean. My mom said she missed when I moved out of my parents' house because those sleepless nights meant that she would wake to a dusted house, kitchen cupboards reorganized and straightened, and laundry folded.

My insomnia runs in phases as an adult. Usually it's just a week at a time during a stressful week, which is common for most people, but it can ranges for months at a time. It hasn't been this bad since the last year of my marriage, as the stress of a failing relationship and dealing with the death of a parent overwhelmed me to the point that I couldn't sleep due to fear of what was happening while I was asleep. However, in the last five months, my inability to sleep has progressively gotten worse where I've only slept three to four hours each night, finding myself waking up every hour or two and staying awake for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour or two. Yet now I'm too exhausted to get out of bed to clean as a coping mechanism like I did as a teenager, so I feel like I'm wasting my time as I lay in bed, trying to count numbers backward to get myself back to sleep.

Frustrated, I've tried all the things that everyone recommends doing (or not doing) before bedtime: no caffeine, no electronics, using the bed for mainly sleep (or bed-specific activities), therapy, taking melatonin, exercising, getting out of bed until I feel sleepy, and so on. I reached the point of exhaustion so many times that I found myself needing sleep desperately, so I reached out to my doctor for prescription sleeping pills for the first time, just to break the cycle of not being able to sleep. I also bought a blackout shade for my room. Between the sleeping pills and blackout shade, it finally seems to have done the trick. 

I miss those days of my youth where I could flop down and immediately be asleep and stay asleep. It's the roving adult mind of mine that lets the stress and frustration of the day creep in every night, like a monster lurking underneath the bed that has finally figured out the best way to pounce on me. Thoughts of work, finances, health, current relationships, dead loved ones, loneliness, the future, and the frustration of not sleeping all flow into my mind as I'm trying to fall asleep. It's a tidal wave of thoughts and feelings that I've dealt with previously that I just can't seem to shake right now, a melodrama of my own making.

But something shifted last night: I had the first good sleep I've had in months. Perhaps it was the combination of the sleeping pills, blackout shade, exhaustion, and finally shutting my mind and emotions off that allowed it. Even knowing that I was losing an hour of time due to daylight saving time, I allowed myself to sleep later than normal. Hello, sweet, sweet rest. How I've missed you.

Tonight finds Kansas City in the midst of a snowfall, a winter weather warning in affect until 6:00 a.m. Perhaps an inch or two of snow has fallen already, covering the streets that are coated with a sheet of ice from the rain that pelted the ground all day. Rain that turned to ice when the temperatures fell below freezing once the day finally morphed into evening.

From my apartment, I can see downtown Kansas City. The falling snow, icy roads, and late hour has left the city quiet. Snowflakes flutter past my window, swirling in a slow circular movement. The sky is eerily purple, a hazy hue that has taken an odd color due to the reflection of the streetlights, city skyline, and snow.

It's a beautiful, lonely sight. I love snowfalls like these, watching the snow shroud my city in quietness. Yet the stillness of the city combined with the silence in my place leaves me melancholic. It's a reminder of the aloneness that I occasionally feel, a feeling that I know is not just isolated to me but that everyone feels at some point in their lives. So I try not to dwell on the loneliness that's wrapped itself around me as I look out over the snowy city. Tomorrow will bring clear skies and interactions with a dozen different coworkers, friends, and family members. The quiet of this snowy night will once again be filled with the sounds of moving vehicles, trains on the railroads, conversations, and the other city sounds that I have learned to tune out as background noise. And this pensive, melodramatic mood will shift back into that average mustering of optimism and appreciation.

Validated

Yesterday I finished the book I was reading.

Today I feel better about myself. Goodreads has let me know that I'm back on track for 2019. Maybe I don't need to write this year off quite yet.

At least that is, until I check my reading challenge status tomorrow and discovered that I've fallen behind once again. 

Goodreads might be the single most judgmental source I have in my life right now.

Reading Challenge Fail

I logged into my Goodreads.com account this morning to check how many books I've read so far this year. I thought for sure that one of the books I finished reading around the holidays I had completed after January 1. 

I had not. Instead, what greeted me on my homepage was the progress on my Goodreads' 2019 Reading Challenge. 

Son. Of. A. Bitch. Less than four weeks into the new year, and I am already behind schedule. Despite its small font, the "1 Book Behind Schedule" note feels like its staring at me accusingly, as if I've already failed miserably in 2019. That I might as well write 2019 off and pray to God that 2020 is a better year. I hope that Goodreads.com is not sending me an ominous premonition of the year to come. 

1 book behind schedule...already I see the pressure of 2019 coming down on me in a self-selected reading goal. I'm panicking as I try to map out a plan as to how I can get back on track. I oddly want to receive praise from Goodreads.com. (If I read three books today, will it tell me that I am 1 book ahead schedule...????)

I'm calculating how much longer it will take me to read my current book based on the pages left in my current book (I'm on Page 102 of 231); the rate at which I'm reading it (I'm going sooooo slow...I should have just counted watching the Ted Talk as reading the book); and how whiny I've become in the last 10 minutes since I discovered that I'm already behind on my reading goal. At this rate, I will complete the book in 2045 and Goodreads.com will have forever banned me from their website, let alone any future reading challenges. 

Let's Take a Test

I find online quizzes amusing. They're also an amazing way to kill time.

Here are some of the things I've discovered about myself thanks to these amazingly crafted quizzes:

1. I belong in the Ravenclaw house at Hogwarts.
2. My 5 Languages of Love are ranked in the following order of priority: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts. 
3. The Muppet I most identify with is Fozzie Bear.
4. Based on the colors I selected, my favorite sex position is doggy style.
5. I should travel with Ashley Olsen over Mary Kate Olsen.
6. I am not an alcoholic.
7. Based on the seven words I selected, I should have a pear-shaped engagement ring.
8. I am the character Eleanor Shellstrop from "The Good Place". 
9. My inner fear that I never knew I had is being around my friend when something dramatic happens to my friend.
10. I do not have the traits of a psychopath. (I scored lower than 55 percent of the people who took that quiz. It was unclear as to which of those individuals actually identified as a psychopath.)
11. The on-screen clique I should be in is the girls from Pretty Little Liars. (I've never seen the show, so...I'll assume that that's good.)
12. I belong in the Slytherin house at Hogwarts.

Catnip Smells Like Weed

I appreciate that when I searched on Google for "What is catnip?", the following fact came up: Research done at Iowa State University showed that catnip was 10 times more effective at repelling mosquitoes than DEET. I realize now that I should have been rolling in catnip before heading out to any mosquito infested area. While I might have risked being attacked by a feral cat, at least I would have been free of mosquitos and the fear of the West Nile virus.

I never considered myself a cat person. My family had a cat named Mikki when I was a toddler; she was run over by a car one day when she followed her boyfriend Azrael, the neighborhood rebel, across the street one day. My only memory of Mikki is when she had diarrhea and my brother stepped in a big pile of her poop in our sunroom. My mom tells the story of how Mikki jumped on the Christmas tree, knocked it over, and my mom had to ask the neighborhood kids to help her upright the tree since my dad was at a wrestling meet.

My stepdad was allergic to cats, so we got a dog when I was in second grade. Since that time, my life has been filled with dogs and dog lovers; growing up, rarely did anyone have a cat as a pet. So, while I've been exposed to cats over the years, but they've always freaked me out. The way that they can jump on anything from anywhere and to heights that seem impossible to reach but yet they somehow jump 25 feet in the air to walk on a door jam; how you can walk into a room and not see them but they're there watching from an undisclosed location; how they just don't seem to give a fuck as to what anyone thinks about them. 

However, that all changed in the last few years as two of the most important people in my life have cats. Not just a cat, but two cats. Sydney and Grayson, and Gus and Gertrude. I met Syd and Gray through one of my good friends, and Gus and Gertie came into my life when I met my boyfriend. 

And suddenly I became a cat person. I realized this the moment that I missed Gus and Gertie when I didn't see them for a few days. At our reunion, I pressed my face against their little wet noses and furry bodies and told them that I missed them. I now find myself browsing Amazon for cat toys, researching whether a cat water fountain is worth the investment, and giggling over cat memes and videos. I bought Gus and Gertie their own personalized stockings at Christmas. I thought it was endearing when I awoke at 3:00 a.m. the other day to find Gus laying on my face. I have repeatedly told my boyfriend that upon his death or us breaking up, I get his cats. If he refuses to give me Gus and Gertie on the event of a breakup, I will implement the detailed plan I have already laid out for how I will catnap them.

Last night I found myself rubbing catnip on their toys and in a box that Gertie has deemed to be hers. I clapped my hands with glee when Gus went nuts over his freshly doused catnip and Gertie sniffed the walls of her box and refused to leave it. Which is what led to me Googling about catnip early this morning. According to PetMD.com, Catnip (Nepeta cataria) is a perennial herb that is a member of the mint family. It can grow to be up to three feet high. The chemical compound in the plant that attracts and affects cats is called nepetalactone...When a cat eats catnip, it acts as a sedative, but when smelled, it causes the cat to go crazy.

I have officially become a crazy cat lady.

Bathe Me in Nacho Cheese

Why is Taco John's so magical?

A fast food Tex-Mex restaurant, Taco John's offers an array of tacos, burritos, potato oles, and nachos. Potato oles are basically crack-dipped hash browns. The salty seasoning on the circular fried potatoes is what I imagine licking a slice of heaven tastes like. Likewise, where else can you find the Six Pack and a Pound deal? That's right - six hardshell tacos and a pound of potato oles. My goal is to someday order a Six Pack and a Pound and eat it in one sitting without vomiting.

Perhaps the best part of it is that you can order a side of nacho cheese with anything. NACHO CHEESE AT ANY TIME WITH ANY dish. I personally prefer dipping my potato oles in nacho cheese, while some of my friends make the controversial choice of dipping their potato oles in both sour cream and nacho cheese. I think that's pushing the dip extreme, although I have seen the extreme dipping style of a triple dip: sour cream, salsa, and nacho cheese.


Growing up in Iowa, Taco John's were everywhere. Even the mall had one in the food court. (My favorite order as a kid was the Smothered Burrito, which sadly no longer is offered on the menu today.

When I moved to Missouri and realized the nearest one was in Maryville, Missouri, I silently sobbed about the injustice of it. It wasn't until the last several years that they came close enough to the Kansas City area that I could stuff my face with taco goodness if I was willing to drive 20 to 30 minutes.

This evening I had Taco John's for dinner. My favorite combo meal since the retirement of the smothered burrito: two beef softshell tacos, potato oles, and, of course, a side of nacho cheese. It was delicious, and life now complete.

Side note: Taco John's does not go without controversy. There's the ageless debate as to which is better: Taco John's or Taco Bell. And someone tried to start a petition from Taco John's using the term "Taco Tuesdays". While it reads like it teeters between one man's cause to obliterate the phrase "Taco Tuesday" and tongue-in-cheek, I can't seriously read a petition that has so many grammar and punctuation issues. Those misused apostrophes make my soul die a little. 

Also, if Taco John's wants to sponsor me in any way and pay me in the form of softshell tacos, potato oles, and nacho cheese, I will gladly do so.

Rubba My Back

Massages are the best invention. I sometimes debate which is better, a guaranteed success rate 100 percent of the time: a back rub or sex. (Yep, there is an obvious answer here.) If told that I might have to choose to have only one -- between having my back rubbed (or, even more specifically, scratched) or sex for the rest of my life -- I would need to consider seriously which one to choose. A list of pros and cons, a cross-referenced matrix of benefits, a conversation with my boyfriend, and a few rounds of each before making a decision.

My back rubbing obsession started at an early age. My mom told me that I used to curl up in her lap as a toddler at night, asking her to "Rubba my back, momma" while the Fisher Price record spun the Children's record (with "Little Goldie Goldfish" being my song of choice). Throughout my childhood, I would throw myself on her lap, asking for a back scratch, and my mom always patiently complied. Once I started dating, I not-so-subtly leaned in and asked for back rubs.

Rubbing, light scratching...to this day, it's my kryptonite. Scratch my back for a few minutes, and I'm yours. I'll curl up on or near you, purring like an old matted cat, and then quickly fall asleep.

Fast forward to adulthood, and now I pay a specially trained individual to massage me. It's all my dreams come true wrapped in one 60-minute session for $75. The first time I visited my massage therapist, I was anxious. The thought of stripping down into my undies and having a complete stranger touch me made me die a little inside. Someone I didn't know rubbing my back, squeezing my little love handles, feeling the imperfections of my body, bare hand on skin contact? No, no, that sounded terrible.

Despite my self-consciousness, I went. And it was amazing. I wanted to hug my massage therapist at the end I was so happy, but I hesitated after the contract I signed before the start of the session had me swear not to say or do anything inappropriate to her during or after the session. So I simply told her "thank you" and have returned to her once a month for the last six years. I wish I could hire her full time and have her follow me around 24 hours a day, just scratching my back. She knows my old lady aches and pains well by this point, so I wouldn't need to explain where my body hurt. To have someone stand behind me during in a heated meeting or while watching a scary movie and scratch my back would alleviate the stress of the moment.

On this last day of 2018, I treated myself to a 90-minute massage. It helped to ensure that I am ending the year and starting a new one physically well and relaxed. I also feel clear headed, so if I need to answer that question of back rubs or sex, I'm ready...

The Worst

Down pillows are the worst. I understand that they were a necessity back in the day, but the thought of plucking a duck and shoving the feathers into a pillow case, only to lay my head on it later, makes me wonder what on earth people are thinking today. When the quill of a feather jabs me in the cheekbone or a feather vane wipes across my forehead in the middle of the night, it's not a pleasant moment conducive to sleep. I envision gouging my eye out with a slight move of my head. In my groggy sleep state, the feather brushing against my face makes me paranoid and thinks that there's a spider nestling into my face.

Give me that synthetic, polyester-filled pillow, the highly flammable one that will set my head on fire if I accidentally drop a cigarette onto it...in the event that I pick up smoking. Or the memory foam pillow that contours to my face and neck, that doesn't quite adapt quickly enough to me as a I roll over in bed. But no feathers, for the love of God.

Color Tips

A woman I work with can recall the name of any nail polish color she has seen. If she looks at your nails and you tell her the brand of nail polish, she will accurately name the color. Wicked. Cotton Lollipop. The Sky's the Limit. Hot Hand. Electric Lush. No matter how lengthy or absurd the name, she gets it right every single time. It's the most amazing combination of memory and site recognition that I've ever seen. She's a parlor trick with a glossy enamel finish. She says that she can only do this with nail polish because she's obsessed with the bizarre names that companies give their polish color. However, I imagine her having a secret career as a card counter or an art thief, memorizing floor plans and security laser beams, then stealthily sneaking along art galleries late at night to steal the most lucrative paintings. That, by allowing us in on her nail color naming abilities, she's coyly tipping us off to her being one of the greatest minds in thievery. I bet she wears black nail polish when she makes these heists, something ridiculously named, like... Luscious Licorice Loot. Or Mayhem at Midnight.

Dammit, I Did It Again

I always thought I was the person in my friend group that had common sense. Not the one with THE most common sense, but just common sense. When it came to career advice, friendship advice, love advice -- I knew what I was doing. Throw a question at me, and I could tell you what the "right" direction was. I felt like I knew what I was doing, like I knew who I was, where I was at, and where I was going.

And in the last three years, time and again the universe has proven to me that I don't know anything. Every moment that I've felt like my world was in alignment and I could answer questions with no hesitation -- professionally and personally -- the universe bitch-slapped me in the face and let me know that I was inherently wrong.

Today was yet another reminder that I have no clue and that I might have called things incorrectly. It's in these moments that I want to disconnect -- to become an ostrich and bury my head in the sand (but still retain the ability to run amazingly fast and elegantly) or act like a six-year-old and cover my head with the covers, like I've just felt the presence of a monster breathing down my neck, the hot air accumulating to the point that I'm paralyzed in my purple flannel unicorn sheets. (God, I miss those unicorn sheets.) However, as you get older, it's not really a possibility to hide in your bed and wait for the worst moments to pass.

It sounds so melodramatic what I felt today compared to the recent events that have taken place. With the Brett Kavanaugh trial, so many of the people in my life have shared their stories of being sexually assaulted or abused. With every story that I read, my heart breaks and makes me want to seek out the individuals who hurt the people who I care for and administer the same level of hurt and despair onto them. Fortunately, I do not have a story that I can share to align with their experiences. I have stupid decisions, but I am fortunate that they were my choice and not someone else forced upon me. I have nothing that comes to the same caliber of what my loved ones have experienced.

I spent this evening with one of these friends. As we talked, she reminded me that strength comes from within and that no one else can help you determine your own intrinsic value. It was a reminder that I don't need anyone else in my life to make me realize my own self worth -- it all comes from within -- and that those who choose to spend time with me should feel as grateful that I've chosen them as what I feel for them having chosen me. Thank you to my dear sweet friend for that reminder...

Blocked With Time

One of my girlfriends has a theory that guys you used to date know when either you're incredibly happy or at a low point in your life. It's at these moments when you least expect it that - BAM! - you receive some sort of communication from a former interest. Usually it comes in the form of a text, Facebook friend request and/or message, or a missed phone call. It's like some guys have the ability to sniff out an ex's extreme high or low in feelings from literally miles -- and lifetimes -- away.

It took me a while before I bought into her theory. Maybe I just didn't have enough old flames hanging out there to have this happen previously, or perhaps I hadn't hit an extreme high or low until a couple years after my divorce. Eventually, though, it caught up with me.

Unlike my friend, I've only experienced when I'm in an exceptionally good place in life. Maybe it's the universe's way of tethering me to the ground, reminding me that I'm lucky to have everything that I do at this point in time and not to forget where I was at previously. It's only happened to me a few times in the last year, but always gave me a little uneasy jolt. The first time was unremarkable to me -- I received a random text from a guy I matched with on a speed dating night whom I hadn't heard from in six months and the second was a guy who always randomly texted me when he was drunk -- but it made me realize that my friend's theory might have some validity.

The second time was eerie, as I was in a place where I was getting ready to leave for a much anticipated trip to Ecuador, I had just started dating a guy that I was excited about, and everything in my personal and professional life were in a positive balance. In the span of 24 hours, I heard from not one, not two, but a handful of guys I dated or flirted with over the last three years. From Facebook to texts, my former dating life pulled in on me in an uncomfortable way. Requests to get together for a drink, to have a late night rendezvous, or to restart our relationship flooded my messages in one format or another. Dog Guy, Cheeseburger Guy, Kitty, The Not-Quite-Divorced Dad, and E: the old familiars, the guys who were never going to be longterm but were learning opportunities or nice people or plain crazy. I politely declined because I am incapable of ghosting or intentionally hurting someone. I then deleted phone numbers and blocked people on my phone and Facebook account. I immediately felt a sense of relief, as if by blocking phone numbers might also smudge out the past near-relationships I had.

I had a blissful seven months of no contact from exes. Until today. While I blocked Not-Quite-Divorced Dad from my phone and blocked his ability to text me, I neglected to think of Facebook. He told me he never used Facebook, although he had an account when we dated. He still does, his profile picture of him and his son from easily six or seven years ago, the same profile picture when we met last year. Today he sent me a message to let me know that his divorce is final. He included a picture of the court petition, the legal papers that finally ended his 14-year marriage, two of those years in which he was separated from his ex-wife and in which she was living with the man that she had had the affair with. He was reaching out to me as I had told him that I refused to see him until he was officially divorced and he took me on a proper dinner date. Our "dates" were always done at a local bar around 9:00 p.m. near his house after his 11-year-old son was in bed. I haven't spoken to him in eight months, yet here he was, asking me out for that dinner. He had even selected the restaurant he was wanted to take me to. His son was excited to see me.

I congratulated him on his divorce, then followed it up by telling him that I'm in love with the man that I'm dating. It felt cheesy to say, and I wish I could say that I felt guilty as I knew Newly Divorced Guy was expecting a different response, but I needed Newly Divorced Guy to know that I had not been waiting for him, that there was a reason why we weren't together. The presumption that these guys take, that expectation that when they reach out again that I've been either waiting for them or I'm willing to drop everything to see them again. Perhaps I should tell myself that it's flattering -- some unique trait about me keeps bringing them back to me -- but I'm a realist: I imagine that I'm just one of many in their list of women that they message when they're feeling lonely or thinking through the "what ifs". We all have a tendency to reminisce, and often we hear those stories of former loves reuniting years after breaking up or separating. Thus romanticizing those might-have-been relationships. Yet at what point do we get to separate the good-ol' booty call from rekindling a former relationship?

Summer's End

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Since I graduated from college and joined corporate America – solidifying my status as a “real” adult – the end of summer has always come as a shock to me. For me, the end of summer is cemented with Labor Day weekend. All the kids have returned to school; the pools have their last hurrah before draining the chlorinated water to leave the pool eerily empty; summer wardrobes of tank tops, bathing suits, and flip flops are swapped for sweaters, scarves, and closed-toe shoes. Yet usually the week before Labor Day weekend when I leave my place I smell the hint of fall one morning. That’s really the start of the end celebration of summer.

Every summer I think to myself that I should have done more outside, should have seen or experienced more, made more of a “summertime list”, those activities that can only be done when the sun is shining and the weather is warm. Part of the problem is that Kansas City is just too hot during the summer months. The heat and humidity start sometime in May – if we’re lucky, and not before – and usually stretch into the first few weeks of September. We might experience a few nice days of 80-degree temps throughout the span of June, July, and August, but generally the temperatures are so scorching and the humidity so stifling that stepping outside for even a few minutes makes me feel like I’m melting, my face being scorched off and my body pooling into the cement, much like when Dorothy threw water on the Wicked Witch of the West.

This summer was full of firsts and, in some cases, several lasts. So while I still might have that slight nagging feeling that I should have done more that seems to linger with each summer’s end, it’s just that: a ghost of a feeling that’s perhaps more of a long-standing expectation and not reality. And, let’s be honest here: I’m a fall sort-of-girl. Being a pale, freckled redhead, the sun and I battle each other with always the same winner if I neglect to use my shield of SPF 100.  So bring on the cooler temperatures, turning leafs, spiced pumpkin, long-sleeved shirts, and boots. I have a new list of things I want to experience this fall.

Slasher

I can't stop cutting up my T-shirts.

Not in a maniacal, "I just want to slash this up" sort-of-way, but in a "I don't like tight collared shirts, I'm going to stretch the fuck out of this neckline until it stops touching my skin" sort-of-way. I don't like material around my neck: no turtlenecks, no fancy collared button-up shirts, no lacy tops. I need breathing room around my neckline.

Any T-shirt I have automatically goes into a tub in my closet until either a) I cut it up or b) get sick of all the T-shirts I have that I don't wear and donate them to Goodwill. Last week, I went on a cutting spree and sliced my Red Cross T-shirt that I received from donating blood, my Omaha Zoo Sleeping Safari shirt, and a KC Crew shirt. I tried to make them look edgy and slightly sexy, looking at Pinterest examples to hit just the right cut.

Instead, every T-shirt I cut up looked like something that had gotten caught in the midst of a tug war battle between two goats or second grader's first attempt at sewing. My off-the-shoulder shirt ended up requiring me to cut up another shirt and sew in little arm straps to prevent the entire shirt from falling off my arm. Two hours later, I had three sad looking shirts that will likely never see more than the interior of my home or maybe, at most, a night playing sand volleyball.

Yet my haphazard, messy shirts are not going to stop me from cutting up more shirts. I'm sure a metaphor exists somewhere here, the determination to explore creativity and embrace my own originality, even if it means that I'm also a little bit of a hot mess at the same time. Or maybe it's just simply what it is: I should likely stop cutting up my shirts...

Fuck Hopes and Dreams

I loathe the question "What are your hopes and dreams?" When I hear it -- whether it's a casual conversation, a deep heart-to-heart, or in a joking manner -- I have a visceral reaction and have to fight the impulse to physically extract myself from the conversation. Even if it's an extraction that looks like something out of a Die Hard movie.

It's not that I'm goalless or have no hopes or dreams, it's just such a personal topic that always makes me freeze. What are my hopes and dreams? I'm not a 12-year-old girl anymore; I don't have a dream journal that I'm frantically scribbling life plans into or a hope chest that I'm delicately placing all my trinkets into. I'm a grown woman who has suffered loss and had to reboot my life in a very surreal manner. Some of my hopes and dreams that I had defined earlier in my life are no longer possibilities, and I am good with that. Hopes and dreams are often a luxury when faced with just trying to get through the day-to-day struggles of being, well, a human being.

But I've come to realize that my main goal above all else is to be happy. It's simple and sounds like an inadequate answer to some, like maybe I'm holding back. Someone told me recently that that wasn't a real goal because, well, isn't that what everyone wants? However, for me, "to be happy" is all-encompassing and includes more than just the general definition of being happy. "To be happy" means waking up each day, looking forward to what the day might bring. To enjoy going to work because it means I have a job (and a career) that I am truly invested in with co-workers who are good, fun, hard working people. To love the friends and family that I choose to spend my time with because it means that they are kind, intelligent, witty, thoughtful individuals. To like and be proud of who I am as an individual. To not regret any words I might have spoken that day or any missed opportunities or adventures that I did not take because I was too afraid or, honestly, lazy. To experience joy in the little, mundane moments of life because it means that I'm still here, still existing.

From my perspective, to be happy is one of the hardest goals to achieve. I look back on my late 20s and early 30s -- the time in my life where I was married to someone I never should have been with, working a job that caused me anxiety and that I thoroughly disliked, and watching my stepfather slowly decline in health and then pass away -- I wasn't happy. I had fleeting moments of happiness, but nothing like how I feel today. Today I am happy. Each day I wake up, I am excited for the possibilities of what might occur, who I am going to spend my time with. This is the ultimate hope and dream achieved for me. The rest of those hopes and dreams seem minimal to that, just like tiny details that help me achieve the big goal. I have my bucket list but, if I don't make it to Norway before I die, I'm okay with that because it means that I will have chosen another way to spend my time to enjoy my life. To achieve happiness and feel joy even in the dark moments of life is the ultimate hope and dream for myself. Ultimately, it's me defining my own hopes and dreams, so it doesn't matter how simple it might sound to someone else.