What Ifs

I recently had a conversation with a friend about the "what ifs" in life. Those moments in life where, if you had made a different decision -- no matter how minuscule that choice or selection might have had -- what would your life be like now, where would you, who you would be?

He started laying out his "what ifs", speaking to several different choices he made throughout his life that he felt like could have brought him to a different point, perhaps a different place and moment that would have been better than where he currently is at.

After several minutes of sharing his what ifs, he cut himself off in mid-sentence, raised an eyebrow at me, and told me that I was being quiet. "What are your 'what ifs', Megs? Where do you think your life choices led you down a path different than where you thought you would be at?"

I shrugged half-heartedly. To me, what ifs are pipe dreams or another form of torturing oneself. While I firmly believe in self-reflection to understand oneself better and to avoid repeating what might be considered past mistakes, I also don't think it's healthy to ponder so frequently the what ifs, the could-have-beens, the might-have-beens. My life choices brought me to where I am now, to the point in time where I am and should be. From the small ("What if I had a salad for lunch yesterday? Would I have gotten sick today?") to the significant ("What if I had broken up with my ex-husband that first year we were dating, like I tried to? Where would I be?"), those what ifs can be too overwhelming, too devastating, too complex to even begin to sort through.

One of my favorite movies is Sliding Doors, a movie in which Gwyneth Paltrow plays a woman whose love life and career all hinge on her catching a train. That moment in the movie -- whether she catches the train -- then divulges into two different story lines that show how what can appear to be an insignificant moment can completely change one's life, the movie flip flopping between two different versions of the character Helen: one emboldened, one meek; one finding love, one going through the motions of her life.

My what ifs brought me to my life today: an imperfect life that I am so grateful for. I'm in love with an amazing man who is perhaps the best human being I've ever known. I now have two kitty cats that bring snuggles and joy into my life and are pushing me to crazy cat lady status for the way that I dote on them. My friends, my family, my career -- all those people and moments in my life for which I am incredibly thankful for. Perhaps if my what ifs had gone differently, I would have more money, be more successful, be thinner, have children, be famous, and so on. Or those what ifs could have gone the opposite path, and I could be desolate and alone. But my what ifs have worked out better than I can imagine. So perhaps it's not the looking to the past that I need. It's the what-will-bes, the future that is to come and those moments that are yet decided. Maybe it's a little like being a glass half-empty or a glass half-full sort of person. I think I prefer to be the forward looking person focused on the what-will-bes and not the what-ifs of the past.